Codependency is a bitch. 

I’ve endured five years of mental and emotional abuse at the hands of a jealous, selfish, masochistic boy. I say boy because he is not a man. 

A man would not abandon the pregnant mother of his child to pursue a life of reckless abandonment solely and simply because he was not ready to become a father. Yet he did. 

A man would not alienate his significant other from her friends and forbid her from speaking to certain people simply because he did not like them. Yet he did. 

A man would not choose a night of drinking with the guys over movie night with his family. Yet he did. Countless countless times. 

I can go on and on and on and you will ask yourself, “why would she stay?” 

I am guilty of wanting what every woman wants. I am guilty of wanting a family. I am guilty of wanting to feel loved. I am guilty of yearning for what most would see as mundane and tiresome everyday chores… I wanted someone I could cook with, someone I could go to the movies with, someone I could share in the banality of grocery shopping with… 

But in my deep longing for something that was inevitably not mine, I managed to lose parts of myself that I miss and dearly need now. 

I lost my sense of humor. I lost my creative passion. I lost my drive to succeed. I lost my ability to see things in a positive light.

I became a ghost of who I once. 

I am so infuriated. I am sick to my stomach knowing I let myself sink this low because of a boy. It horrifies me that I became a victim to something I told myself I’d never experience willingly. 

I wish I could say I am stronger now because of everything I’ve had to endure. I am sure if you ask me in a couple months I will be able to say so with absolute certainty. But right now? 

Right now I feel like a newborn child. Naked and afraid of what the world has in store for me. Gasping and choking to take my first breaths as a “free” woman after being abruptly torn from my source of comfort. 

I feel broken. I feel overwhelmed with emotion. Every day hurts a little more. I feel so raw and I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I want it to stop. I can only imagine this is what addicts go through.

I am left to pick up the pieces and try to rebuild the ruins that had become my life. I know I am not alone. The most beautiful thing that came out of these five years was my daughter. 

Mia. 

My sweet, loving, very intuitive daughter. I feel her love for me every time I look in her eyes. I am reminded of why I should pull myself together. 

I know it’s going to take some time. I know it’s going to continue to ache. I know I’m not done crying. I still have a lot of questions and I crave closure that I know I will never get.

But I will get through this.

I will overcome this.

I will be stronger.

I will be happy again.