Codependency is a bitch.Β 

I’ve endured five years of mental and emotional abuse at the hands of a jealous, selfish, masochistic boy. I say boy because he is not a man. 

A man would not abandon the pregnant mother of his child to pursue a life of reckless abandonment solely and simply because he was not ready to become a father. Yet he did. 

A man would not alienate his significant other from her friends and forbid her from speaking to certain people simply because he did not like them. Yet he did. 

A man would not choose a night of drinking with the guys over movie night with his family. Yet he did. Countless countless times. 

I can go on and on and on and you will ask yourself, “why would she stay?” 

I am guilty of wanting what every woman wants. I am guilty of wanting a family. I am guilty of wanting to feel loved. I am guilty of yearning for what most would see as mundane and tiresome everyday chores… I wanted someone I could cook with, someone I could go to the movies with, someone I could share in the banality of grocery shopping with… 

But in my deep longing for something that was inevitably not mine, I managed to lose parts of myself that I miss and dearly need now. 

I lost my sense of humor. I lost my creative passion. I lost my drive to succeed. I lost my ability to see things in a positive light.

I became a ghost of who I once. 

I am so infuriated. I am sick to my stomach knowing I let myself sink this low because of a boy. It horrifies me that I became a victim to something I told myself I’d never experience willingly. 

I wish I could say I am stronger now because of everything I’ve had to endure. I am sure if you ask me in a couple months I will be able to say so with absolute certainty. But right now? 

Right now I feel like a newborn child. Naked and afraid of what the world has in store for me. Gasping and choking to take my first breaths as a “free” woman after being abruptly torn from my source of comfort. 

I feel broken. I feel overwhelmed with emotion. Every day hurts a little more. I feel so raw and I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I want it to stop. I can only imagine this is what addicts go through.

I am left to pick up the pieces and try to rebuild the ruins that had become my life. I know I am not alone. The most beautiful thing that came out of these five years was my daughter. 

Mia. 

My sweet, loving, very intuitive daughter. I feel her love for me every time I look in her eyes. I am reminded of why I should pull myself together. 

I know it’s going to take some time. I know it’s going to continue to ache. I know I’m not done crying. I still have a lot of questions and I crave closure that I know I will never get.

But I will get through this.

I will overcome this.

I will be stronger.

I will be happy again. 

To Vlog or not to Vlog

Hi guys!

Phew!

It’s been so long but we have been so busy! Last time I wrote I was celebrating 1 month of bliss at my new (and still amazing) job. So much has happened since then and a single blog post would definitely not do it justice so I won’t even try…

The most notable event, however, was our week and a half vacation to see our family in Mexico for Christmas. We hadn’t been back to visit them in exactly three years so it was so great seeing them again and introducing them to Mia the THREE-YEAR-OLD. She was only four months when they first met her and obviously couldn’t do much but eat, poop (and poop she did- I’m getting horribly vivid flashbacks), and look cute. This time around she did all that but we could successfully add talking to the list.

She definitely surprised me with how comfortable she got with our family so early on. She is very much “stranger danger” when we are out and about and meeting new people tends to over stimulate her. She was such a champ though! She happily greeted everyone and gave them hugs all on her own. πŸ™‚

Time went by in a flurry -as it usually does when you are enjoying yourself. One minute I was walking through downtime Chihuahua eating an elote en vaso with the works, and the next minute I’m packing my luggage -which interestingly enough always seems to multiply towards the end of the trip.

Mia had a blast though and she was excited for “next time.” I loved being able to share a tiny bit of myself with her even if it was for a short amount of time. Here’s a couple pictures for your viewing pleasure. Hehe

I decided to try Vlogging through YouTube because Mia is constantly doing things that surprise me and make me laugh. My kid is a natural entertainer and I say that in the least annoying way possible. LOL She just loves being the center of attention and singing and dancing for people. I can’t think of a better way to document this time of her life! We are by no means video professionals but hopefully we will get better along the way. πŸ™‚ Feel free to subscribe/follow! Here’s our first video!

I will be making more of a conscious effort to update with more frequency.Β This year got off to a great start and we can’t wait to share some of our happiness with you all! All in due time!