And then there were three…

 

I have some exciting news to share…

 

Michelle 22 weeks

I’m PREGNANT!

I am 22 weeks and one day along and only until recently decided to start telling people outside of my close circle of friends/family.

I partly waited so long because for the duration of my first trimester I was struggling with my emotions. I felt confused and slightly disappointed. I felt anxious and uncertain. I also felt scared. I knew I’d eventually have more children but it came a little bit sooner than I expected. I think it’s why I felt disappointed. I was more or less disappointed that I let myself foolishly make the same decision I made 4 years ago when I got pregnant with Mia. 

I say foolishly because it is uncertain whether or not Mia’s father will step up for this baby and finally grow up.

Let me just say, I don’t like uncertainty. As a woman suffering from OCD and major control issues, I can safely proclaim that I like things to be organized and well planned out. If you can find a way to use color-coding, sticky notes, and highlighters, I will especially love you.

It was therefore hard to wrap my head around the fact that I was in for ten grueling months of physical and emotional changes with someone I could not know for certain I could count on. It also made me nervous to break the news to my parents because it was a very known fact to me that they were not very fond of Mia’s father and they always found a way to make me aware of their distaste.

To my extreme and utter joy, they were not at all disappointed -if they were they definitely hid it well. It was a huge weight off my shoulders knowing I could count on my parents’ support.

I spent the rest of my first trimester assuring myself that I would and could get through the next couple of months.

Now here I am.

To my extreme satisfaction, I found out that I am carrying a boy. I felt from the beginning of my pregnancy that that might be so because everything about this pregnancy has been different from my pregnancy with Mia. My symptoms, my cravings, my moods… I obsessively tried every gender prediction test I could find and they all pointed to the possibility of having a boy so I felt confident in my assumption that I was indeed having a boy.

It was weird to even entertain the idea of having another girl because in my eyes, I already had my little girl and I didn’t need another one. Rather, I didn’t know how I could possibly love another little girl as much as I love my Mia. In that moment when I found out, I felt happy and whole. I relished the idea of finally getting my Prince. I told myself right then and there that I would raise my son to be everything his father wasn’t.

I know it will be harder with two, however, I am so blessed to have such a wonderful and selfless daughter. I know she will be the best big sister. I know she will be to her brother what I was to my own.

I am finally so happy and excited. I absolutely cannot wait to meet my son. I cannot wait to see what our future holds. ♥♥♥

Codependency is a bitch. 

I’ve endured five years of mental and emotional abuse at the hands of a jealous, selfish, masochistic boy. I say boy because he is not a man. 

A man would not abandon the pregnant mother of his child to pursue a life of reckless abandonment solely and simply because he was not ready to become a father. Yet he did. 

A man would not alienate his significant other from her friends and forbid her from speaking to certain people simply because he did not like them. Yet he did. 

A man would not choose a night of drinking with the guys over movie night with his family. Yet he did. Countless countless times. 

I can go on and on and on and you will ask yourself, “why would she stay?” 

I am guilty of wanting what every woman wants. I am guilty of wanting a family. I am guilty of wanting to feel loved. I am guilty of yearning for what most would see as mundane and tiresome everyday chores… I wanted someone I could cook with, someone I could go to the movies with, someone I could share in the banality of grocery shopping with… 

But in my deep longing for something that was inevitably not mine, I managed to lose parts of myself that I miss and dearly need now. 

I lost my sense of humor. I lost my creative passion. I lost my drive to succeed. I lost my ability to see things in a positive light.

I became a ghost of who I once. 

I am so infuriated. I am sick to my stomach knowing I let myself sink this low because of a boy. It horrifies me that I became a victim to something I told myself I’d never experience willingly. 

I wish I could say I am stronger now because of everything I’ve had to endure. I am sure if you ask me in a couple months I will be able to say so with absolute certainty. But right now? 

Right now I feel like a newborn child. Naked and afraid of what the world has in store for me. Gasping and choking to take my first breaths as a “free” woman after being abruptly torn from my source of comfort. 

I feel broken. I feel overwhelmed with emotion. Every day hurts a little more. I feel so raw and I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I want it to stop. I can only imagine this is what addicts go through.

I am left to pick up the pieces and try to rebuild the ruins that had become my life. I know I am not alone. The most beautiful thing that came out of these five years was my daughter. 

Mia. 

My sweet, loving, very intuitive daughter. I feel her love for me every time I look in her eyes. I am reminded of why I should pull myself together. 

I know it’s going to take some time. I know it’s going to continue to ache. I know I’m not done crying. I still have a lot of questions and I crave closure that I know I will never get.

But I will get through this.

I will overcome this.

I will be stronger.

I will be happy again. 

To Vlog or not to Vlog

Hi guys!

Phew!

It’s been so long but we have been so busy! Last time I wrote I was celebrating 1 month of bliss at my new (and still amazing) job. So much has happened since then and a single blog post would definitely not do it justice so I won’t even try…

The most notable event, however, was our week and a half vacation to see our family in Mexico for Christmas. We hadn’t been back to visit them in exactly three years so it was so great seeing them again and introducing them to Mia the THREE-YEAR-OLD. She was only four months when they first met her and obviously couldn’t do much but eat, poop (and poop she did- I’m getting horribly vivid flashbacks), and look cute. This time around she did all that but we could successfully add talking to the list.

She definitely surprised me with how comfortable she got with our family so early on. She is very much “stranger danger” when we are out and about and meeting new people tends to over stimulate her. She was such a champ though! She happily greeted everyone and gave them hugs all on her own. 🙂

Time went by in a flurry -as it usually does when you are enjoying yourself. One minute I was walking through downtime Chihuahua eating an elote en vaso with the works, and the next minute I’m packing my luggage -which interestingly enough always seems to multiply towards the end of the trip.

Mia had a blast though and she was excited for “next time.” I loved being able to share a tiny bit of myself with her even if it was for a short amount of time. Here’s a couple pictures for your viewing pleasure. Hehe

I decided to try Vlogging through YouTube because Mia is constantly doing things that surprise me and make me laugh. My kid is a natural entertainer and I say that in the least annoying way possible. LOL She just loves being the center of attention and singing and dancing for people. I can’t think of a better way to document this time of her life! We are by no means video professionals but hopefully we will get better along the way. 🙂 Feel free to subscribe/follow! Here’s our first video!

I will be making more of a conscious effort to update with more frequency. This year got off to a great start and we can’t wait to share some of our happiness with you all! All in due time!

The New Girl

One month.

Tomorrow I will have been at my new job for a month but it feels like so much longer.

This month has been busy with on-boarding, training events, and hands-on work and it has been absolutely rewarding learning new skills and refining old skills. The coworkers who make up my team are the best group of girls I’ve ever had the privilege of knowing and I feel so lucky to have been given this amazing chance to work with them doing something that brings me complete and utter joy.

The work I do involves working directly with families to discover their familial and individual needs and get them connected to services that can meet those needs. Some families might have more needs than others but the wonderful thing about my job is that every family is treated as equally important

I’ve always sort of known that wherever life led me I wanted to be in a position where I could help people. I would say that I have a very nurturing personality and it shines through in most of what I do. To have a job in which helping children and families is the objective is absolutely rewarding and a dream come true. I know I sound so cheesy right now but I finally feel like life makes sense.

For awhile after I started college I didn’t know what I wanted to do. For a good half of my college career I was torn between my traveling aspirations and my need to feel important in people’s lives or, in essence, the desire to feel needed.

I wanted to join the peace corps and travel to third world countries and teach english to village children and their families. I wanted to go backpacking in rural South American countrysides and play impromptu soccer games with kids in the Sao Paolo favelas.

Basically, I wanted to be Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love.

Life had different plans for me though and that’s OK. I know that now.

It took me almost three years to understand it, but I do now and I’m all the better because of it. My experiences, though not particularly cultured or sophisticated, gave me a better understanding of the type of person I was and wanted to be and they gave me the push I needed to pursue my dreams.

If you would’ve told me a year ago that I would be working with children and their families and helping them better themselves, I probably would have laughed. The me I was a year ago was so blind to the future and so focused on the present. The not so satisfying present… The me I am today has a whole new perspective and appreciation for the future.

I can honestly say that this is the happiest I’ve been in months.

Mia is so happy to have mommy home with her in the afternoons now as well. I can’t believe how much I missed out on when I was working through the evenings. Most days we don’t even do much but just hanging out, watching TV together, reading, and just enjoying each other’s company is so relaxing.

I’m still getting the hang of the whole waking up early thing again so my sleeping schedule has been slightly off kilter but I have every confidence in myself that I will start developing better habits moving forward.

It’s just an exciting time in our lives. I’m excited to see what the next couple of months bring

🙂

 

 

With great power comes great responsibility…

Growing up is a pain in the rear.

Whoever said it was fun and meant it was seriously deluded because there is nothing fun about added responsibilities, paying bills, and working 40-50 hours a week.

Ever since Mia was born, I’ve been working at a grocery store by my house as a cashier. I’ve known the store manager of the grocery store since I was about 11 because he used to be the store manager at my mom’s store (same chain store). In 2013, a store on the west side of town opened up and they offered him the manager position due to his years of experience and his success as a manager at my mom’s store. He took it and asked my mom and some of her co-workers if they’d want to come and work with him when he opened the new store. My mom wanted to but couldn’t due to the distance but told him I was looking for a job and so he offered me a part time position since he knew Mia was small and I didn’t want to work too many hours (so as not to be away from her too much).

I’ve been working there for almost three years (one year part-time and the last two years full-time) as well as finishing school to get my bachelor’s degree and I finally graduated this April. With only a July class to take, the hunt for a professional job was looming.

I started looking at potential places to apply a little after Mia’s birthday but I kept putting off the actually applying part because I hadn’t updated my resume. For almost 2 weeks I kept that excuse up and recent changes at my job had me feeling only more suffocated and miserable.

Have you ever taken a step back and looked in on your life and analyzed the decisions you’ve made and the decisions you keep making? I felt disappointed in myself for allowing myself to feel so helpless. I felt almost annoyed that I’d left myself feel so helpless. I decided right then that I would stop letting fate take the wheel. I decided right then and there that I’d take the wheel.

About two weeks ago I applied to a company I’d read about and encountered before after I saw that they were hiring. I was hoping I would get a callback but to be completely honest, I didn’t think I would get one.

I’ve always kind of struggled with self esteem issues but it’s something I’ve been trying to work on since having Mia because I don’t want any of my insecurities to rub off on her. It’s definitely hard though because I feel as if these issues have been ingrained in me for so long that sometimes I don’t notice myself succumbing to my inner demons. There’s something to be said for trying though.

Anyways, I received a callback two days after I applied and I was invited to an interview the following day. I was extremely nervous before my interview because I’d only ever had one job interview in my life and that had been over three years ago and it hadn’t gone well. That day I woke up extra early and made myself something to eat and plopped myself in front of my TV to watch an episode of Faking It -that cheesy MTV show about the high schoolers in Texas (MTV is kind of my guilty pleasure).  I had gone to Kohls the night before and picked out two potential outfits and tried them on that morning and opted on khaki dress slacks, a black button up and a simple white necklace. I curled my hair for the first time in a long time and got ready to make the 15 minute drive out to the location where the interview was to take place. I got there with about 20 minutes to spare and called my mom for a last minute pep talk. She didn’t disappoint.

The interview actually went pretty great. I left feeling pretty confident and I told myself that even if I didn’t get the job, I was proud of myself for putting myself out there and attempting to make a change in my life. I got a job offer the very next morning and accepted it that same day. Ecstatic didn’t even begin to describe how I felt when I opened that offer letter. It felt like I was finally winning.

Being an adult is hard. You are expected to have it somewhat together and have an idea of what you want to do in your life. If you want any semblance of a decent job you are expected to either be extremely talented or go to school to learn a trade or profession. You are expected to find a mate and get married and buy a house and have children (preferably in that order).

It’s hard.

Growing up is hard.

My first day is tomorrow and I am nervous, excited, happy, anxious… Most of all, I feel proud and accomplished because even if I don’t know what awaits me, I know that there is something to be said about taking the first step forward into taking control of your life. I shall let you guys know how my first day goes.

🙂

 

 

 

 

 

 

Bye Bye Summer ’16

Mia had her third birthday August 4th.

I know that seems so long ago but we have been so busy these last couple of weeks that we haven’t had much time for anything.

  • Mia and I finally moved out of my  parents’ house and into our own little apartment in July. It’s been a busy month of changes and adjustments -and lots and lots of decorating. I have to say though, it feels liberating finally having our own space. I love my parents to death, but sharing the same space with them whilst trying to mother my then two-year-old was exhausting on so many levels. Boundaries were blurred and privacy was often a luxury.
  • I technically walked at my graduation on April 30th but still needed to take a July course to fulfill the remaining credits I had left to be considered “graduated” so July 27th was my last day of that class! I am just currently waiting for my diploma to be mailed to me but I can now say I am ALL done with undergrad! Now to plan my next move for next year…
  • I started a new part-time job interpreting at local hospitals and though it’s only about 5-10 hours a week, it’s also been kind of an adjustment for both Mia and I. I try to schedule my cases for early in the morning on my days off from my full-time job so that I can spend the rest of the day with her, but juggling so much at once is indeed a difficult task and one that I am still trying to get the hang of.

There’s so so much more that has gone on these last couple of weeks but it would honestly be overwhelming to go through it all.

Mia’s birthday was like a breath of fresh air.

She understood this year that it was her birthday and she was being upgraded from two fingers on her hand to three. She made sure to joyously proclaim her new three year old status to anyone within hearing range. All the cashiers at our local Target now know her name is Mia and she’s now “phfree” (LOL).

Seeing as I had more financial responsibilities this year I went a little more low-key on all aspects of her “party”- if we can even call it a party. It was honestly just my parents, sister, brother and grandmother and a 17$ Home themed cake from Sam’s Club and she couldn’t have been happier.

I love how grateful she always is for the simplest things. My mom and dad gave her skates, crayons, and a coloring book as presents and her reaction was the same for all three items: innocent, pure joy. Her eyes lit up and she hugged each item close to her as she unwrapped them and said “thank you!” in that adorable squeaky, high-pitched voice that I so love. To her, her 17$ cake this year was just as delicious as her 90$ fancy design cake was last year and I love how she seems to appreciate everything we do for her.

It makes me feel like I’m doing something right.

Here’s some picture of my beautiful darling to brighten up your night.

miathree1

miathree2

miathree3

miathree4

miathree6

miathree5

School officially started last week so that signals the end of another summer. Another birthday. Another year. Next year she will be (maybe) starting school so I will spend the rest of this year cherishing the time I have with her before I have to share her with the world.

 

What Goes Around Comes Around

 

I remember a time far, far away in which I stayed up past midnight willingly and enjoyed it.

It was a magical time filled with idle chit chat with my college roommates, Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, and the latest episode of How I Met Your Mother on Netflix.

“The night is young!”

Oh, what a time to be alive. Newly eighteen and having only been away from home for a total of two weeks, I felt like such a badass going to bed way past the bedtime my parents had still been regularly enforcing upon me while I was still living at home.

Maybe it’s because I’m Mexican and maybe because I’m the first born and a woman, but my parents were always crazy strict with me up until I had my daughter. When I say crazy strict I absolutely mean it. If you don’t believe me let me follow up with some examples…


  • I was not allowed to paint my fingernails, toenails, face, or other visible (or non-visible) parts of my body. I remember one time when I was in 5th grade I had colored in my fingernails with my pencil at school and forgotten to wash my handiwork before I got home -much to my mother’s amusement and my father’s annoyance. Let’s not even get started on the times my middle school friends would draw doodles on my arms and hands with colorful sharpies and my dad would catch me vehemently trying to wash them off when I got home… “Your body is not a sketch pad! Do you need more journals? Stop writing on your arms dammit!”

  • I was not allowed to have sleepovers or attend sleepovers. Ever. Period. End of discussion.

  • In the event that I were to get invited to a party or any kind of outing at all, I was to give my parents at least a weeks notice before said event so they could “go over the pros and cons” and have enough time to think about it. Last minute ice cream invitation for Michelle? “Oh, don’t even bother inviting me, I already know I can’t go.”Needless to say, my friends were very familiar with this particular rule.

  • Absolutely, positively NO DATING until you are 18 (and even then it was an issue).

  • NO social media accounts. Like, at all.

I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I was sheltered, over-protected, locked away in a tower! Okay, so maybe that’s stretching it, but most days I definitely felt like a prisoner in my own home. Continue reading