Codependency is a bitch. 

I’ve endured five years of mental and emotional abuse at the hands of a jealous, selfish, masochistic boy. I say boy because he is not a man. 

A man would not abandon the pregnant mother of his child to pursue a life of reckless abandonment solely and simply because he was not ready to become a father. Yet he did. 

A man would not alienate his significant other from her friends and forbid her from speaking to certain people simply because he did not like them. Yet he did. 

A man would not choose a night of drinking with the guys over movie night with his family. Yet he did. Countless countless times. 

I can go on and on and on and you will ask yourself, “why would she stay?” 

I am guilty of wanting what every woman wants. I am guilty of wanting a family. I am guilty of wanting to feel loved. I am guilty of yearning for what most would see as mundane and tiresome everyday chores… I wanted someone I could cook with, someone I could go to the movies with, someone I could share in the banality of grocery shopping with… 

But in my deep longing for something that was inevitably not mine, I managed to lose parts of myself that I miss and dearly need now. 

I lost my sense of humor. I lost my creative passion. I lost my drive to succeed. I lost my ability to see things in a positive light.

I became a ghost of who I once. 

I am so infuriated. I am sick to my stomach knowing I let myself sink this low because of a boy. It horrifies me that I became a victim to something I told myself I’d never experience willingly. 

I wish I could say I am stronger now because of everything I’ve had to endure. I am sure if you ask me in a couple months I will be able to say so with absolute certainty. But right now? 

Right now I feel like a newborn child. Naked and afraid of what the world has in store for me. Gasping and choking to take my first breaths as a “free” woman after being abruptly torn from my source of comfort. 

I feel broken. I feel overwhelmed with emotion. Every day hurts a little more. I feel so raw and I haven’t felt like this in a long time. I want it to stop. I can only imagine this is what addicts go through.

I am left to pick up the pieces and try to rebuild the ruins that had become my life. I know I am not alone. The most beautiful thing that came out of these five years was my daughter. 

Mia. 

My sweet, loving, very intuitive daughter. I feel her love for me every time I look in her eyes. I am reminded of why I should pull myself together. 

I know it’s going to take some time. I know it’s going to continue to ache. I know I’m not done crying. I still have a lot of questions and I crave closure that I know I will never get.

But I will get through this.

I will overcome this.

I will be stronger.

I will be happy again. 

One thought on “Codependency is a bitch. 

  1. This is breathtakingly brilliant writing, Michelle! You’re an incredibly strong and multi-faceted woman. Each time I learn more about you, I’m astonished by the raw talent and potential you hold. And I’m actually really, really proud. Your wit, your fire, and your spirit are powerful forces. They are fierce and unbending. When you wield them, no one will be able to stop you. Not even a boy.

    Liked by 1 person

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